[ wind howling ]
#### [ man whistling ]
#### [ whistling continues ]
#### [ whistling ]
[ whistle blows ] #### [ marching band ]
Ow !
[ sniffing ]
Hey, mornin', roy.
[ hawks ]
[ chuckles ] Same to you, asshole.
Rudy russo ! Mi amigo.
I bring you your cars. They are beautiful, no ? No.
What the hell Are you using here, manuel ? Water-based paint ?
Sure ! We don't get much Rain around here.
What do you Want for 200 ? Metal flake ?
You don't like these cars, Here's my inventory.
This is a picture Of 250 cars. Two hundred and fifty-three.
Nice crop, eh ? The river, she has been Very good to manuel.
I can't make a deal Off a picture like this, All right ?
You don't wanna buy cars ? How about some girls ?
I got all kinds. Short, tall, fat, uglies.
Bonitas, senoritas, Big tits,chichotas.
Later. I got a customer. Take those around back. I'll think of somethin'.
[ manuel speaking spanish ]
#### [ radio, indistinct ] [ spraying noise ]
[ snoring ]
[ snorting ]
[ snoring ]
Oh, student driver shit.
[ snoring ]
-hey, rudy ! - shh ! Quiet, quiet !
Jesus, you're not gonna-- Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna bait this guy.
Yeah ? Well, luke's Not gonna like that. Luke's asleep.
Who's the grape ? He's right there. See him ?
[ rudy ] he pulled up in that Red chevelle, but the asshole's Trying to put him in a vega.
He can afford a vega ! I'm gonna sell him my buick.
Yeah, but, rudy, forget it. He pulled up in a red car.
Come on, jeff. You got your foot. Sure i got my foot.
But i told you a million times, A rabbit's foot is no protection Against a red car.
A red car is bad luck And trouble.
I gotta get customers On this lot. I gotta Move some of this iron.
I gotta make some fast cash. I mean it. Yeah ? For what ?
For this.
Christ ! First a red car, And now this.
This man, roy l. Fuchs, This man doesn't lie. Ow.
This man gives you A special guarantee, Warrantee.
I mean, beautiful. It's up to you. It's your decision.
One who hesitates is lost.
Hey, where you going, pal ? Come back here !
- ooh ! - [ horn honking ]
-[ driver shouting ] -[ horns honking ]
- oh ! - [ tires screeching ]
[ man ] Get the hell out of the road !
Ow !
Hi there ! How ya doin' ?
- jesus. - say, this your ten dollars ?
I saw it floating Underneath the car And picked it up.
Here you are, mister-- What's your name ? Stanley dewoski.
Polish, huh ? What a coincidence ! Rudy polanski.
How are ya ? Hey, i like that watch. Great shoes. Love 'em.
Thanks. So, stan, you want to buy This buick centurion ?
Good choice. Smart man. You got good taste. A lot of People don't have it these days.
Nice to see somebody finally Walk on this lot who knows A good car when he sees one.
So, we, uh, We write it up ? Actually i was just looking.
Terrific, terrific. That's what we're here for.
Here you can look, browse, Peek, touch, feel, taste, Smell, do anything you want.
Take all the time you want. Nobody's gonna pressure Anybody around here, stan.
You know somethin' though ? I think you ought To buy this buick.
I think you oughta buy it today. You want to know why ? Because this buick is you.
The color is you. Look at it. This is your car.
Stanley dewoski is Buick centurion convertible.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "can i afford To buy a car like this ?"
Am i right ? Seriously. You Can't afford not to buy this. I'm gonna make it easy on ya.
When you add this up, Take in account inflation, Insurance savings, gas savings,
You're gonna come out $10,000 Ahead for makin' this deal.
The prestige alone of owning A buick centurion convertible...
Can't even be measured in terms Of dollars and cents, Am i right ?
What in the hell are you Trying to tell me, sam ?
For six months, I've been kicking money into The mayor's slush fund...
To make sure that new Freeway ramp went right through The middle of my brother's lot.
But according to this, I'm about to get fucked.
The goddamn ramp is coming Right through the middle Of my lot. Yeah !
What's with That pinhead mayor ? He had no choice, roy.
It was the only way He could prove there was No conflict of interest.
He don't know dick. That mayor, He don't know dick !
What about you ? You are the assistant Deputy district attorney.
I mean, can't You fix it for me ?
I'm sorry, roy. It's too late.
Just like that, huh ? "too late, roy."
Well, i'll tell you somethin'. This country is going To the dogs.
It used to be when you Bought a politician, that Son of a bitch stayed bought.
Ha, ha, ha ! You're gonna love it, stan !
Trust me !
Ah, shit !
There goes a perfectly good Bumper sticker.
Hey, luke.
That's a nice pair of shoes.
You baited him, didn't you ? Skated him from across The street.
I had to, luke. I can't sell a car unless I get 'em on the lot, huh ?
Rudy, listen to me, will ya ?
For the last time, Will you listen to me, son ?
Now, just let's suppose that He's an undercover agent for The consumer protection agency.
We're still on probation For consumer fraud.
We gotta watch our step.
My ravenous brother's Sitting over there Waiting for me to slip up...
So he can get His grimy hands On this lot.
Luke, i'm desperate. I gotta move some cars.
Listen to me. I gotta make ten grand In six weeks.
Ten grand ? Oh, rudy, you in Some kind of trouble ?
No, no. Take a look at this.
Huh ? Yeah.
There's an opening For state senate.
The machine's looking For a fresh face. Somebody With style, somebody with flare.
Somebody with no axes to grind Who just wants to tell the People what they want to hear.
Luke, they're looking for me !
I talked to the party chairman. Sixty grand buys me the Nomination, and i'm a shoo-in.
Sixty grand, huh ? That's all it takes Nowadays ?
That's kinda like A down payment.
Once i'm in, i go 50-50 On all the graft i take in. Politics, luke.
It's my chance to do Something with my life, Become respectable.
Go places, meet new people.
Maybe even meet some broad who's Got her shit half together.
Still lookin', huh, rudy ? Ha-ah. Aah.
Luke, i don't wanna be stuck On this dusty car lot For the rest of my life.
I wanna make something Out of myself, you know.
Have people look up at me For a change. And this is it.
This is my Once-in-a-lifetime deal.
I took out a second mortgage On my mobile home. Did you know that ?
I cashed in My insurance policies, Sold my boat and motor.
Hell, i just sold my car, And i'm still ten grand short.
Toby, get me a Phillips screwdriver, huh ?
Look, luke, listen. I got some promotional ideas.
Some big promotional ideas That'll flood this place With prospects.
I found these two guys, These two electronics whiz kids.
They know how to Jam football games, And you get a commercial on.
We wear some disguise. I figure we can claim it was Some kind of college prank.
We get these strippers, Big tits, put 'em up On top of the cars--
I think i'm gonna put This baby on the line.
Yeah. Can't fool With this forever. Sixteen months is long enough.
No, toby, i said A phillips screwdriver.
Luke, can i Ask you something ?
Why are we giving These cars away ?
[ luke ] We're not givin' 'em away.
The school district's paying me 1,200 apiece for 'em.
1,200 apiece ? I can get 3,950 apiece For these cars.
Those are The 1,200 apiece cars.
What, these ? [ laughing ] Yeah !
Rudy, you are the craziest, Most irresponsible operator I ever met.
When you stand there And tell me that you want To be a politician,
Well, i know you're right.
All right, i'll lend you The ten grand. No shit, luke ?
I wouldn't kid you About something like that. You're not jacking me ?
No, no. We'll go down To the bank in the morning, All right ?
Only one thing is, I don't think we oughta jam Any football games,
And i certainly don't Want any strippers.
Goddamn ! All right, luke. I love ya ! Oh, rudy ! Rudy.
I'm on my way ! Listen to this. [ coughing ]
Ask not what your country's Done for you, ask what you've Just done for your country.
How we doin' ? Would you vote for that ? Rudy.
Are you okay ? You, you-- hey, Are you all right, luke ?
I'm just not used to all That kind of excitement.
Here, here. Jesus, i'm sorry, luke. Here, take a pill. Here.
I'll be all right. [ panting ]
You just promise me one thing.
When you buy that election, Become a big-shot politician,
Promise me you'll keep My mercenary brother from Gettin' his hands on this lot.
They know, don't they, sam ?
Yeah, that's why they're Fixing up that pig farm.
They know they're About to have the best Freeway access in the state.
Nobody knows but you. Won't be announced For a few weeks yet.
Now, i suggest you put A torch to this museum,
And use the insurance money To buy out your brother. [ roy ] buy him out ?
If i could buy him out, do you Think i'd go to all the trouble To try to have him put away ?
Think i'd have sicced The consumer protective agency On him ?
No, by god, the only way I'm going to get that lot Is to inherit it.
I thought he had a daughter. She ain't been heard of In ten, twelve years.
[ roy chuckling ] Son of a bitch has got A bad heart, you know.
Don't be stupid, roy. Just dreamin', sam.
Just dreamin'. Right.
[ woman over p.a. System ] Mr. Fred zill, please come To the payment window.
Carmine ! Yeah ?
Send in that mechanic, That new kid from The demolition derby.
Who, mickey ? Yeah, yeah, mickey.
That's why they call it a pinto. Let's examine that suspension, Shall we ?
Look at that undercoating. Classy chassis, pal.
Huh ? Thanks.
Shall we examine The spacious interior Of this luxury automobile ?
[ jeff ] Let's examine that--
[ man ] I got this guy right where I want him. Stay out of this.
I'll get him to knock Another fifty bucks off.
I got the papers all drawn up On that chrysler imperial. No, the chevy nova.
I keep-- Hey, listen, I'll be right with ya.
Clown.
Excuse me, old man. You a salesman ?
[ train whistle blowing ]
That's a miracle.
Yeah ! God in heaven, That's a miracle.
Excuse me, You a salesman here ?
I'm not one for religion, But jesus, mary and joseph, That is a miracle.
[ chuckling ] That was my daughter Who called me. Yeah.
Can you believe it ? My own daughter.
I just want to buy a car.
You know, she took off About ten years ago. Joined one of those communes.
I ain't seen nor heard From her. Didn't know If she was livin' or dead.
All of a sudden Out of the blue, She calls after ten years.
Now that-- that's a miracle.
I know how you feel, Old man. Yeah.
I had a dog once. Ran away. Only she got hit by a truck.
Listen, now what's the story On this '57 chev here ?
2,400 ? Come on. You gotta be jacking me.
Son, you're looking at one Of the finest automobiles On this lot.
You know, I rebuilt that engine With my own two hands.
Does it run ? [ chuckling ] Does it run ?
Like a dream.
Well, old man, For 2,400 it better run Like a wet dream.
Yeah, that's a miracle.
[ engine revs ] At least it starts, Old man.
After ten years. [ chuckles ]
You won't need that.
I like to feel safe.
[ luke ] Easy now, easy.
Sounds good, old man. Yeah.
- [ tires screeching ] - what the hell was that ?
- [ groaning ] - [ tires screeching ]
[ mickey ] Hey, you got a real, uh, Oil pressure problem.
It's running real hot. Real hot.
Pills ? What do you need Those pills for, old man ?
[ mickey laughing ]
- isn't this fun, old man ? - [ gasping ]
[ horn honking ]
[ laughing ] You ever played chicken, huh ?
I love chicken. I love it. [ laughing ]
You're a good sport, old man. You play well. I like you.
What do you say We find out what This baby's constructed of ?
Get over there, old man.
Oh, shit !
What's the matter, old man ? You homesick ?
Ah, don't worry. I'll have you home In a minute.
What the hell was that ?
Ahh, 2,400 ? I don't know. I'm gonna think about it. I got your card.
[ gasping ]
Charlie, i broke my back Getting you this deal. You know that.
Fifty bucks Never killed anybody.
You are not gonna find Another deal anywhere Like this in town.
Fifty bucks Never killed anybody.
We shook hands On this, remember ? A deal's a deal.
- fifty bucks Never killed anybody. - okay, you got it. You win.
I'll see what i can do. But i'm tellin' ya,
When my boss sees these figures, When he sees these, He's gonna have a stroke.
[ laughing ] What's he trying to pull ?
Fifty bucks Never killed anybody. [ muttering ]
[ groaning ]
Charlie !
Okay, okay, it's a deal. It's a deal. I'll sign.
I'll sign ! [ groaning ]
He was only kidding. We'll sign. We'll sign.
I'm sorry. I shook on it. It's a deal. I never welsh on a deal.
I really do want the car. Luke !
Luke, where Are your pills ?
Jesus, you guys mean business. I signed it. Show it to him. Where are your pills ?
Luke ! Here's a down payment. Show it to him.
Here's the money. Here, take it, take it. [ groaning ]
Look, gosh, you guys Are busy. We'll pick The car up tomorrow.
Oh, my god ! Honey, get your purse. Let's get outta here.
Right away ! Wait for me ! Luke !
[ rudy ] Luke !
[ woman moaning ]
- luke ! - [ gasps ]
[ mumbling ]
[ thunderclap ]
What the-- [ gasps ]
Jesus christ !
Luke's dead. Jesus christ almighty !
Calm down. We're being watched. Je-- by who ?
Who do you think ? Jesus christ ! Jesus christ almighty !
Sam, roy. Roy !
Yeah, i know it's late.
First thing tomorrow I want you to come over here And visit my brother with me.
Well, i'm a little concerned About his health. [ laughing ]
Yeah. And, oh, listen.
Bring those Probate papers with ya. Probate papers.
He's gone.
Jim, help me prop him up, Will ya ? I don't want toby To see him like this.
Hey, jesus, rudy. I don't know, man.
I think we're Out of our minds. You know what i'm sayin' ?
I think we gotta call the cops. I mean, it's murder.
You know that and i know. But the cops are gonna say It was a heart attack.
Death by natural causes. Look at him.
Don't you understand ? He's got no wife, no family, No will, no nothin'.
That means his brother Over there inherits this lot, And i say that's bullshit.
Now, i promised him i wasn't Gonna let that son of a bitch...
Get his hands on this lot, And goddamn it, i meant it.
[ thunderclap ]
Easy. Don't worry about-- Look, look, look.
I helped put it up. I ought to know how To take it down.
Okay, let it down easy.
Hey, rudy, man, This shit gives me The creeps.
I mean, he should Be buried properly.
Nobody's gonna believe He drove this edsel to miami. Nobody goes to miami.
[ rudy ] Old people go to miami.
He's old, isn't he ? Where do you want him To go ? Aspen ?
Fuck aspen. This crate won't go Around the block.
The fuck it won't ! This motherfucker runs !
Please show a little respect For the dead, huh ?
[ car door closes ]
You want to say Something ?
Me ? No.
Jim ? About what ?
[ rudy ] All right.
Ah, luke fuchs,
You're about to drive over The curb for the last time.
He was a good man. An honest man, A trusted man.
Luke, we, uh, We can't carve your name On a granite tombstone,
But we can keep it flying High above this lot.
Can't even put flowers On your grave,
But we can hang the finest Weather resistant vinyl Pennants and pinwheels...
That money can buy.
You'll be surrounded By a constantly revolving Inventory...
Of the finest-quality Low-milage discount cars.
Ford, chrysler, General motors Will be your headstone.
High volume, high visibility Will be your epitaph.
Rest in peace, luke.
[ chattering ]
Wait, wait. Hey.
Watch it. Easy.
Keep shoveling.
Now, aren't you A little big to be playing In the fuckin' mud ?
We're landscaping. We had some flooding Last night.
So, roy, l., What can i do you for ?
Uh, i'd like to talk To my brother.
You're gonna have To talk kinda loud. He went to miami last night.
That's right. Miami.
Miami ?
- yeah, miami beach. - miami beach ?
- florida. - i know where the fuck Miami beach is, dummy !
Some asshole fucked up One of his prize cars Yesterday.
He decided he needed A little "r" and "r." He's got a bad heart.
- i know all about His goddamn heart. - i'm sure you do.
What airline did he fly ? Edsel.
[ rudy ] i couldn't Believe it either, but That thing runs like new.
- yeah, brand-new. - that's bullshit, russo, And you know it.
I saw what happened. He had a stroke. I saw him hit the floor.
Hit the floor ? What-- what, last night ?
That ? He slipped on Some 90 weight. Believe me, he's okay.
He's lying, sam. The son of a bitch is lyin'.
He thinks i'm lyin', jim. Look, roy, luke told me...
That if you came here, To have you arrested For trespassing.
Are you gonna leave or do I have to call the cops ? Do we have to call the cops ?
- what are you, A fucking parrot ? -[ sam ] roy, let's go.
Suck-ass son of a bitch.
[ barking ] Go on, get out. Get the hell outta here.
You see ? We got nothing To worry about.
Nothing to worry about ? Are you out of Your fuckin' mind ?
For one thing, we got A dead guy buried here.
For another thing, We're goin' on tv Illegally tonight.
[ barking ] Jeff, we have to. We need customers.
[ jeff ] but sneaking A commercial into a live Football game is illegal.
[ rudy ] Look, freddie and eddie Know what they're doing.
Supposing the f.c.c. Wants to bust us for false Advertising, what do we do ?
Jeff, we just work here. They'll have to talk To the boss.
[ whistle blowing ] [ crowd cheering ]
Coast is clear, freddie.
All right. Stand by.
[ man on p.a., indistinct ]
[ crowd cheering ]
[ rudy ] Freddie, come here.
We gonna be able To film under These blue lights ?
Am i gonna look All right ? You look fine.
Don't worry. We're not going to film Under the blue lights.
That's why i've got the sun guns Mounted on the van.
All set ? Okay. I'm set. Trust me, will ya ?
Rehearsal. I figured we'd just sell This purple olds.
[ crowd cheering ]
[ man on p.a. ] A final score just in:
Arkansas, 35; kentucky, 14.
Margaret, this is where You're going to show us How you're gonna sit.
Yeah, see, i figure A little thigh to keep Their attention, not too much.
And then i'll say, "okay, margaret, why don't You tell us about this one ?"
Well, this '76 delta 88 Is really equipped With white walls, radio...
And heater for only $695.
Maroon car, my ass. This motherfucker is red. [ jeff ] oh, yeah, yeah.
So then i'm going to say, "check out those high beams." I make a little tit joke.
I'm sorry it's so sexist. I'll take you out For a cocktail later.
Nice maroon car, Ain't it ? Huh ? Yeah, purple.
Oh, shit ! Disguises. Did you remember The sunglasses ?
I didn't get sunglasses. I got something better. Wanna see ? It's perfect.
You idiot ! Just a second.
You trying to murder me ? Trying to assault my person ? Give me the sunglasses.
This is perfect. They're not sunglasses. They're disguises.
What the hell is this ? I asked for sunglasses. They only had three left.
Come on. It's-- They're into punt formation.
Put these on, here we go. Do me a favor, Just put 'em on, please.
Rudy, rudy, come on. Huh ?
-hey, i'm not doin' A commercial wearing these. -put 'em on. You'll look great.
We can't do a commercial wearing These. We'll come off looking Like a couple of assholes.
- okay, stand by. - jeff, put 'em on, huh ? I'm serious.
- no ! - stand by, eddie.
Ready when you are, Freddie.
- he's got it at the 40 ! - he's on the 40. Put 'em on, jeff !
- no, forget it. - he's past the midfield stripe.
Please ? - no way !
He may go all the way. He's on the 30.
- he's on the 30 ! Put 'em on ! - it's out of the question.
- he's on the 20. - no ! - he's on the ten.
- no ! - put 'em on ! - no, no, no !
- and, eddie-- - what ?
- take it ! Take it ! - okay, freddie.
Now !
God, it's a red car.
They're gonna Score a touchdown. Uh--
That's a stupid place For a commercial. I don't believe it.
Did you see that ? They got a commercial on.
Let's look at just one Of these beautiful models Right now.
Shit.
What the fuck is this, Rudy ?
What did he say ?
He just said "fuck." That's an f.c.c. Violation. We're fucked.
A red chariot to take My ass straight to hell.
Margaret, get--
This model is really An automobile.
Holy jesus, she's caught On the hood ornament.
[ jeff ] it's a red car. It's gonna take us all To hell.
[ jeff ] Rudy, look at the red car.
Folks, these people Are obviously hysterical...
Over the fabulous deals We have here at New deal used cars.
We got over ten jillion cars Down here.
Every one a best deal.
Margaret, let's take a look Under the hood, shall we ? What ?
[ crying ] [ screams ]
-[ screams ] - hot stuff !
- [ screaming ] - [ chattering ]
Hey, look, bare tits.
That's disgusting ! I don't want my children-- Give me that !
All those years At film school paid off.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Jesus palomino !
Focus. Just use the camera.
Come on down To new deal used cars.
[ margaret screaming ]
Come on down and... Squeeze on us.
[ screaming ]
Front page advertising, And it's free.
Can you believe it ?
This is it, guys. It's time.
I don't know. I never Sold no damn cars before.
It's easy. All you gotta do Is get 'em in that car.
Nothin' sells a car Better than the car itself. Get their friendship,
Get their confidence, Get their trust, Then get their money.
Ready, jeff ? Yeah.
Jim. Toby, you ready ?
[ barks ]
Okay, guys,
Let's go.
#### [ marching band ]
Morning !
Hi, there. Morning, uh, mr. And mrs.-- O'hara.
Ah, mr. O'hara, rudy o'brien. How are ya ?
I've got a '74 ford. Take a look. I'll be right with you.
Hi, there, mr. And mrs.-- Lopez, senor.
Rudy garcia. '68 chevy, take a look at it. I'll be right back.
Hi there, mr. And mrs.-- Jackson.
Hey, rudy washington carver. What it is, bro. Checking out this cadillac ?
Look at that, mrs. Ingallheart. The interior matches The color of your eyes.
I just noticed Something else.
Mrs. Lopez, do you realize That your hair...
Matches the color Of these tires ?
Let me get the door For ya. I don't know.
That's all right. I'm just looking. I want you to look inside.
It's real nice in here. No, i don't want To get inside.
It's nice and comfy, roomy. You got a lot of leg room.
I've just been Lookin' around the lot.
These aren't the cars i bought. Mr. Ghertner, these are The only kind of cars...
Your students will be able To afford once they get Their licenses.
Therefore, they should Be learning to drive In these cars. Am i right ?
But the school board-- Well, thank you. And that's all they'll do.
I'm the kind of guy That believes that a man with Your insight, such vision...
Should be fairly compensated For such high thinking.
Don't you agree ?
Do you have a car in mind For me ?
I want you to look inside. No, i don't want To look inside.
Oh, just get in The motherfuckin' car ! Get in here !
[ shouting ]
[ woman ] Boys, off the car now !
Charlie, i told you that--
You like animals, Don't you ?
Oh, yeah. I got three dogs of my own. Of course you do.
You understand what i mean When i say that not only do I think this is the car for you,
But toby thinks This is the car for you.
Don't you, toby ? [ barks ]
There, you see ? Isn't that cute ? That's cute.
- [ chattering ] - [ arguing ]
Al, the least we can do is take The car for a test-drive. Oh, no.
[ cheering ]
Toby wants to go for a Test-drive, don't you, toby ? [ barks ]
Test-drive with toby. How about it, al ?
All right.
[ cheering ]
Okay, everybody in the car.
[ jeff ] In the car. In the car, kids.
Everybody in the car. Test-drive with toby. That's right.
Everybody in. Goin' for a test-drive With toby.
[ engine revs ]
So, al, now listen.
This baby's got a Big engine, a lot of power. Big engine.
Big v-8. [ al ] V-8.
I don't want you To be afraid of it. I want you to feel that pickup.
So just go right ahead And punch it.
Punch it. Punch it.
Stop !
Oh, my god !
[ crying ]
You killed my dog, mister. You killed my dog.
Oh, gee, mister, i'm sorry. Really i am.
All he wanted was for you To be happy in this car.
And now he's dead.
- al ! - how was i supposed to know ? He just--
Raised him From a puppy. [ crying ]
How could you ?
Uh, look, mister. I know i can't bring Your dog back.
[ sobbing ]
But, uh, how 'bout If i, uh, buy the car ?
Bye ! Bye !
Goddamn it, If you can't nail 'em for Misuse of the public airwaves,
Nail 'em for false advertising: They said they had Ten million cars.
They said they had Ten jillion cars. How much is a jillion ?
Even if they said Ten million, I couldn't touch 'em.
I've got to prosecute the owner. He's apparently off on A fishing expedition in florida.
Fishing expedition, my ass.
He's sittin' At the bottom of a lake. That's where he is.
We've been through this. You've got no proof.
Proof ? What the hell Do i need proof for ?
I'm roy l. Fuchs, Goddamn it !
If you won't help me put them Scumsuckers out of business, I'll do it by myself...
By using the greatest tool This country ever developed--
#### [ calliope ] Free enterprise. Competition.
The american way ! [ laughing ]
Yeah. I tell ya, this here Is the best goddamn gimmick I've come up with so far.
This circus idea. Huh ?
Come on in. Ride the camel, Ride the horse,
Breathe the helium And drive out a car.
Come on in. Join the circus ! Come on down !
[ laughing ] Look at 'em over there. Not a customer on the lot.
You can't fool honest people. That commercial was a fluke. They're dying.
Practically out of business.
Yeah, that's what The people want.
Good old-fashioned Homespun entertainment.
That's what roy l. Fuchs Stands for too. I'll tell you that right now.
Just hope that goddamn camel Don't shit all over the lot.
#### [ disco ]
####
Folks, here At new deal used cars, We are stripping away inflation.
We're taking off Those high prices.
Yes, we're getting down To the bare minimums On these babies.
So come on over And check out the front ends Of these beauties...
And inspect the rear ends.
Come on over And let's do some disco, huh ?
[ man ] I wanna drive you home ! [ laughs ]
Shake it !
Scum.
[ tires screeching ]
All you have to do Is sign your name... Right here.
Over there we have a group Of immoral charlatans Masquerading as businessmen.
They will stoop To the lowest, most vulgar-- Hold it, roy.
Shit. Cut it. What ? You can't say that On tv.
I can say any goddamn thing I want. This is competition. The american way !
It's slander. They can sue you.
They can't sue me. Only the owner can sue me, And he has to be alive.
Now get the hell outta here. Let's take it from the top.
#### [ "hail to the chief" ]
####
[ beeps ]
[ woman ] Hey, rudy-tooty, It's ol' lorette here.
I was out buying Some peroxide today, And there was this clerk.
He looks just Like you, and it got me Thinking about--
You know that time You and i were out--
[ beeps ]
[ woman ] Hi, rudy, this is nadine.
If you don't have a date Tonight, well, i bought This new barry manilow record,
And i thought we could have--
[ beeps ]
It's mary lou bainbridge. If you throw out My number again--
[ beeps ]
Rudy, it's jeff. Watch The channel 12 movie, pally.
We're in big trouble. [ line clicks ]
[ tape machine off ]
Menaces appear on the horizon That i think should be brought To the attention...
Of every hardworking Decent citizen.
Behind me, as you can see, Is the automobile business At its absolute worst.
Here we have a group Of immoral charlatans...
Masquerading as businessmen. Shit !
They will stoop to the lowest, Most vulgar, cheap, vile...
And disgusting ploys To deceive and cheat The honest, hardworking citizen.
They are the lowest form of scum On the face of the earth !
And i urge you To stay away from them ! Son of a bitch.
This is roy l. Fuchs Pre-owned automobiles.
[ man ] The preceding was A public service announcement.
Rudy, just a second, pal.we Jam the presidential address ?
I hate to be the first one To break this to you: You're out of your mind.
This time you've gone Right over the edge.
National television. We'll be on all three networks At the same time.
How's that possible ? How's that even done ?
Freddie ? Eddie ? Microwaves.
Microwaves, great. Little ovens. Explain it to him.
It's so simple even a baby Can understand.
You take the microwaves And you bounce off a comsat-- Comsat ?
Communications satellite. Comsat.
You got it ? So we bounce the microwave Off the comsat to eddie...
Who's at the microwave Repeater station...
On the roof Of the phone company In washington, d.c.
Then we intercept Carter's transmission, And we jam it with our own.
You talk fast enough, We'll be out of there Before they know what hit 'em.
Can you believe this ? This is a great idea.
When the hell is This presidential address ? Tomorrow night, 9:00 our time.
We should break in Around 9:03, before the Audience gets too bored...
And switches over To the700 club. Amen.
Jesus, guys, I don't know.
Rudy, i gotta tell ya, My horoscope says, "trouble Brewing on the horizon."
For another thing, pal, We're fuckin' with the President of the united states !
He fucks with us, Doesn't he ?
Come on. You've seen How shitty business is today.
Thanks to fuchs, Our name is mud.
We had nuns protesting outside When i got here this morning. Nuns ?
Yeah. I had to have jim turn The fire hose on them.
And i knocked them motherfuckers Right on their ass too.
I am still five grand short. We've gotta reestablish Our credibility with the public.
We've got to fight fire With fire.
You'll be fighting fire with Enhanced radiation weaponry. You're over their heads.
Okay, you two are sure You can pull this off, Right ?
Are we sure we can Pull this off ?
If i can build And install a pacemaker In this man's chest,
I damn well can bounce A microwave off a satellite.
Rudy, jesus, Look at this thing, huh ?
Look at this here. Only 12.95 list.
- no kidding. - don't you guys have Some equipment to hook up ?
Oh, shit ! I gotta get Some rosin core solder.
Radio shack closes In half an hour. Let's get on it.
How do you change The batteries in that ? It's rechargeable.
Hey, guys ! The back door. It's still light outside.
Good night, eddie. See you tomorrow night.
Yeah. Remember, We cut in exactly at 9:03. Got it.
Post meridiem. What ?
Oh, never mind.
Okay, freddie, 9:03.
What are you guys doin' ? Will you get down, rudy ? Get down.
What ? See that woman out there ?
[ rudy ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ jeff ] She's trouble. She pulled up In that red toyota.
Jeff, give me a break. No, no, no. I'm not kidding.
I think she's from The consumer protection agency.
See the way she's looking At that blue chevy ? She knows it's a taxi.
You're paranoid. She's got great legs.
Great legs, but i bet you The first thing she asks is Where's the owner.
Jeff, that is A great-looking girl.
Girls who look That great don't work for The consumer protection agency.
Okay, but just don't let The little head do the thinking For the big head.
Trust me. Huh ? I do.
Congratulations ! Yeah, you ! This is our giveaway week.
Since you're Our 100th customer, you win, Whether i sell you a car or not.
You just won A candlelight dinner for two at The restaurant of your choice.
But, i can see There's only one of you. Tell you what i'm gonna do.
I think i'll throw Myself in with the deal. How's that sound ?
Listen, can you tell me Where i might find the owner ?
Um--
Well, uh--
Uh, yeah. Oh, great.
I could, but first, Let, let me tell you About this car, right ?
I can give you a Terrific price on this car, Unbelievably low price.
On this car ? Yeah.
I would certainly hope so. I mean, look at the finish. Is something wrong ?
Well, yeah, I mean, i see primer.
Primer ? Where ? Where ? Well, I see yellow primer here.
I see it here. I see it here. Oh, i don't know.
She's baiting him. She knows it's a taxi, rudy.
She's from the consumer Protection agency.
No, i'm not with Any consumer protection agency. I used to be, but i'm not--
Environmental protection Agency ? No.
Better business bureau ? Nader's raiders ? No.
Trust me.
As in "trust me" ? Yeah.
So look, about dinner-- Listen, is luke In his office ?
No, he's not here. What do you feel Like eating ?
Do you expect him Back shortly ? He's out of town.
But i'll tell you what. The best steaks-- He's out of town on business--
Pleasure. He's in miami beach. Miami ?
Miami beach. Miami beach ?
It's nothing to get upset about. I've been to miami beach. It's not that bad.
You see, i was supposed To meet my father here.
Father ? We'll find him. There's no problem. What kind of car does he drive ?
I don't know. He used to have A green and white edsel.
Green and white... Edsel ? Ow ! God !
Who do you think This is, huh ? That's her.
[ toilet flushes ]
No resemblance. No resemblance.
I've been selling cars Long enough to know when Somebody's telling me the truth.
That is luke's daughter. We have any health food Restaurants in this town ?
Listen, pally. If that's luke's daughter, We gotta get rid of her.
What if she figures out what's Going on here ? What if she Sees our commercial tomorrow ?
I know ! Why don't we throw her In the hole with her old man ?
We go out to dinner. I'll get her drunk, All right ?
I'll tell her the reason That luke went to florida Was because--
Good. The best salad bar In town: airport lanes.
[ laughing ] Oh, stop it. Then he says,
What ? "don't ask me. I'm just a farmer."
That is the most disgusting Joke i have ever heard.
Listen, rudolph, i wanted To ask you something. What ?
How did you know That i used to be with The consumer protection agency ?
The painted taxicab. I don't know why you didn't Tell me it was yellow primer.
Because you beat me to it. I knew you were baiting me, So i told you the truth.
The truth was actually A bigger bunch of bullshit.
At least you're very honest About your dishonesty. And i admire that.
I really do.
Uh--
Look, barbara, about luke. There's something I gotta tell you. It's--
Luke left for florida The night i called him.
You got it all wrong. It's not the reason he left.
It would be better for me And everybody concerned...
If i just get up Tomorrow morning and leave.
I was thinking maybe Headin' up to oregon Or something like that.
Well--
Thank you very much For taking me out, Taking care of me.
It was really Considerate, and i... Really had a good time.
Uh, maybe we'll do it Again sometime. I don't know.
Thanks a lot. Good-bye. Thanks.
What'll i do ?
Barbara, wait a minute.
Ah, hey, look,
I know sometimes I can come off as, uh,
Kind of... Insincere.
But i just-- I want you to know That i really like you.
I haven't had This much fun with A girl ever in my life.
So, once you and luke get Your problems worked out,
Come by, look me up.
Rudy ?
I've been thinking about What you've been saying About luke and everything.
And it's true, i'm passing Judgment on a man i haven't Even seen in ten years.
So, the least I can do is give him The benefit of the doubt.
So i decided to stick around For a few days.
So, uh, see you tomorrow, Okay ? Good night.
She's stayin' ?
Yeah, she's stayin'.
I told her luke would call. What else could i do ?
What the fuck is that ? If she sees our commercial On tv tonight,
She's gonna be suspicious As a motherfucker.
And even if she don't, We're gonna have a billion People on that lot tomorrow.
How we gonna explain that ? I've been up all night Trying to figure this out.
It's like i told jeff. There's Only one thing we can do. Cancel the commercial.
Guys, guys, i got The solution to our problem.
Listen to this. Courtesy of The beautiful daphne.
What i have here Is a one-way train ticket To miami.
What you do, Is you take it out there, You give it to barbara.
Tell her-- i don't know. Tell her luke called, Wants her to come down.
The train doesn't leave Until midnight so jim and i Will do the commercial.
All you gotta do is keep her Away from a television set, Get her on the train.
Jeff, jeff, I feel horseshit enough As it is.
I took her to a bowling alley, For chrissake.
Look, i just-- I can't do this to her.
What would a senator do ?
Don't you like Your salad ?
Hello.
What is wrong with you ? Where are you ? You're certainly not here.
Uh, i was just thinking...
About how much easier Everything would've been If you'd come last week.
I don't understand. Why ?
Okay.
All right. Okay.
Barbara, there's something I gotta tell you.
I don't know if this is The right time, but...
The truth of this whole thing Is that luke--
Sir, i believe You dropped this.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, wait a minute.
Rudy, this is a ticket To miami.
I was gonna wait Till after dessert, but--
- you talked to luke Last night ? - uh, well, no.
I tried to get ahold of him, But he's still On that fishing charter.
I just decided to take it On myself.
That's the most Considerate thing.
But i can't go.
What ?
I don't wanna force myself On him, rudy.
I just wanna wait Till he comes back.
And besides, you know, I'm having a wonderful time.
You're really Great company.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Okay. Okay, freddie. Okay.
Okay, okay, freddie ! We gotta go. Jim's ready. Jim's ready, huh ?
Well, the president isn't ready. He's more important than jim. Yeah, but we gotta go.
What's the matter ? Why are you so nervous ?
I'm not nervous ! I'm so full of valium, I rattle when i walk !
All right, fine. Could i offer you A sleeping pill ?
Listen, too tall, If i take any more shit-- Ah, there we are.
What the hell is this ? This a test pattern.
Okay, freddie, I'm receiving your test pattern. You're looking real good.
[ eddie ] Carter goes on in 28 seconds.
The program scheduled Will not be seen in order we may Bring you president carter's--
I didn't know President carter Was going to be on tv.
Mac, you mind turning That thing off ? I'm trying to eat.
Mister, have a little respect. This happens to be the President of the united states.
Respect my ass, food giant ! I'm paying 20 bucks For this meal.
Yeah ? Well, how'd you like That tv stuck up your ass ?
[ barbara ] Hey, fellas, it's not worth All this trouble.
Uh-- [ groans ]
- i gotta get some air. - are you all right ?
I can't-- I gotta get some fresh air.
Are you gonna be okay ?
[ carter ] three years Before my inauguration-- Oh, my god.
Rudy, Are you all right ?
Ah, ah, yeah, yeah, fine. Just come over here And sit down.
I just, uh-- Whoo.
[ carter ] Inflation is obviously A serious problem.
I do not have All the answers.
What is the solution ?
You want the solution To inflation ? Hi, friends.
Marshal lucky here For new deal used cars...
Where we're battling inflation,
Not only by fighting High prices, not only by Murdering high prices,
But by blowing The living shit Out of high prices !
Yessir, you heard me right. Now here's an example.
1973 cadillac Coupe de ville for 6,299.
That price is too high.
[ rifle shot ]
Yessir, here's another one.
It's a lincoln continental Mark iv, 1973.
It's loaded. It's got air-conditioning. It's got a stereo.
It's got white-wall Radial tires, power steering, Power brakes, power seats,
Power windows at a price That is just too high.
Yessir. Now remember, friends. [ yelling ]
Look out, marshal lucky, It's high prices !
Take this, You dirty old high prices !
[ yelling ] You got me, marshal !
Jesus christ.
[ groaning ]
Yessir. So remember, friends.
That's new deal used cars. Now wait just a goddamn minute.
What the hell is this ? Is this a 1977 mercedes 450 sl...
For $24,000 ?
That's too fuckin' high !
You son of a bitch !
Yessir. We blew The shit out of that Over-priced motherfucker...
Just the way we blow the shit Out of all high prices Down here at new deal used cars.
So y'all come on down. Did you hear what i said ?
New deal used cars.
So y'all come on down. Did you hear what i said ?
I have heard you With unmistakable clarity.
You son of a bitch !
[ electricity zapping ]
Let's blow this pop stand !
Move this motherfucker ! Let's go !
[ carter ] A free economy cannot Cope with inflation,
And that we've lost Our ability to act as a nation,
Rather than as a collection Of special interests.
And i reply, "what kind of people Do they think we are ?"
Wanna give me That again ? Yes, as i say, inspector,
I heard this large explosion And i rushed out. I couldn't Tell what was going on.
I saw the car over there In flames and all these strange Little characters...
With towels on their heads, Weird little goatees And stuff...
Running around yelling, "ayatollah ! Ayatollah !"
Then they all got in the car And drove away.
I guess It was iranian students...
Out to discredit The american way of life.
I can't imagine who else Would do such a thing.
Let's go.
Sure hope you nail 'em.
Happy motoring.
Hey, jim ! Jim, did those f.b.i. Guys-- [ snoring ]
Were they-- jim ?
[ snoring ]
Combat fatigue. Shit.
Oh ! Aah. Aah !
I'll teach you to wreck My cars, you son of a bitch.
[ shouts ]
Help !
[ yelling ]
Okay, you asked for it now.
Shit !
[ barking ]
Get off my back, You lunatic !
[ barking ]
[ yelling ]
All right, now I'm gonna have to hurt ya.
Where's my brother ? Huh ?
[ howling ]
Where're you hiding My brother, you--
The pit.
They filled in the pit.
[ laughing ]
I knew it !
[ growling ] Now, get-- Get out. Get out.
Get out ! You dumb dog ! Get !
[ toby howling ]
Get away !
Get out ! Get ! [ growling ]
Get away, You dumb dog.
[ barking ]
[ car door closes, Engine revs ] [ howling ]
[ snoring ]
#### [ woman on radio, Indistinct ]
[ urinating ]
[ yelling ]
Toby, get your-- Toby, you pissed on my-- Goddamn it !
[ whimpers ]
Now aren't you glad I didn't go to florida ? Mm-hmm.
Um, barbara-- Hmm ?
Since you brought that up,
There's something I gotta get off my chest. [ ringing ]
[ message machine ] Hi, this is rudy. I'm not in right now,
But if you'll leave Your name and number, I'll get back to you.
Rudy, it's jim ! If you're there, pick up. Emergency !
Yeah, what is it ?
Jesus !
Ah, where are you now ?
All right, don't worry. I'll be right there.
What is it ? Is it about luke ?
Ah, no, no.
Well, what then ? Huh ?
What is it about ? What's going on ? Jeff. He got in a fight.
I gotta go down To the station house And bail him out.
Shouldn't take too long. Listen, i'll be right back. See you later.
[ door closes ]
[ beeps ]
Rudy, it's jim ! If you're there, pick up. Emergency !
[ rudy ] Yeah, what is it ?
Fuchs knows luke's dead. He found out where We buried him.
Jesus ! He beat up jeff. Toby Must've chased him off.
We gotta do something Or the cops are gonna think We killed luke.
Where are you now ? At the lot !
[ rudy ] I'll be right there.
[ sobbing ]
[ man ] I understand the white house Reaction has been negative.
How do you think We feel about it ?
Do you think we like being Associated with the president Of the united states ?
We run an honest lot here.
[ siren wailing ]
- excuse me. - [ sirens wailing ]
Come on, guys ! We're not even open yet.
I told you to keep your ass Off this lot.
Yeah. Show him the warrant, sam.
All right, bring those Picks over here, huh ? Search warrant ?
Hey, wait. What the hell are you guys Looking for ?
Start digging in here. What the hell Are you looking for ?
Hold on. You bust in here, Disrupt our business, Start digging up our lawn.
The least you can do Is tell us what the hell You're looking for.
That's a lot of crap, russo. You buried my brother here And you know it.
What ? Buried your brother ? Boy, are you looking for luke ?
'Cause i could've saved you A whole lot of trouble.
He was here 30 minutes ago. He went to get some breakfast. He'll be right back.
You spoke to lucas fuchs 30 minutes ago ? Yes !
He got back from Miami beach last night. He's got a tan and everything.
-[ door closes ] - [ barking ]
Oooh, shit he smells !
Come on. [ engine revs ]
[ jim ] I'm sorry, luke.
Whoo !
- [ barking ] - shut up, toby ! I hear ya !
Adios, luke !
You're wasting your time. He'll be right-- Here he comes now.
-[ man #1 ] Jesus, it's him. -[ man #2 ] he is still alive.
- where the hell's he goin' ? -[ man ] he's exceeding The speed limit.
[ man ] He's gotta be drunk.
- where the hell's he goin' ? -he's heading right For that power transformer.
[ man ] Call the fire department.
[ siren wailing ]
All right, let's go ! Grab that hose.
Very neat, russo.
Very clean.
Plenty of witnesses, Everything up in flames, Not a trace of evidence.
Shrewd. Kept yourself Out of jail.
[ chuckles ] Now get the fuck Off my lot.
Your lot ? You just gave it to me.
Handed it to me On a silver platter.
Afraid not, roy l. You see, Luke's got a daughter.
You remember Your niece, barbara. She's back in town.
I bet you haven't seen her In what, over ten years. Wanna talk to her ?
She's, uh, Staying over at my place.
You son of a bitch !
Holy jesus !
Goddamn ! Get off me ! Get this maniac off me.
Get off him, you maniac ! Get him off !
Okay, mac, come on. Come on, you.
Oh, my god.
Get your hands off me ! I'm roy l. Fuchs !
You son of a bitch ! [ man ] Easy, roy, easy.
Barbara ! Uh, i was just Gonna call you.
There's been A terrible accident. Your father's dead.
Why don't you tell her The truth ? He was already dead.
He buried him back there In the edsel. Don't listen to him.
Rudy, please tell me The truth.
All right. Okay.
Your father, He wasn't in miami. Never was.
He was... In... Aspen.
He didn't want you To be here when he got back, So he told me--
Rudy, you're fired. And take your friends with you. Wait a minute.
Get off my lot ! They're trying To take over this lot.
[ sobbing ]
Shit.
So, what do you say ?
I'll have To think about it.
He's an asshole.
Don't think about it too long. There was a ninth grader Looking at it yesterday.
Real grinders, you know it ? Tougher to close Than their parents.
Ah, christ ! How am i gonna come up With five grand ?
[ sighs ]
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you call my bookie, Put some money on The game tonight, huh ?
I got a good feeling About denver. Here's his number.
Denver ? Shit, Denver's ranked tenth ! That's right.
But get this. I was in A pay phone booth this morning. I found a dime. Ten cents.
Minted in denver. The numbers that i dialed Added up to ten.
Today is the tenth. You know what ?
You know what time it was When i found the dime ?
Ten. No, ten after ten. [ chuckles ]
I can't lose. So i bet ten bucks.
That's the dumbest fucking shit I ever heard in my life, jeff.
Goddamn superstitious crap ! I'm gonna push you under A ladder on friday the 13th.
Look, why don't You just go ahead And call her, huh ?
She knows you belong On that lot. It won't hurt Anything. Just call her.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ phone ringing ]
Yeah ? [ man ] Mr. Russo ?
Yeah. This is mr. Caldwell speaking. The party chairman.
Our timetable got pushed up And the machine Has to present...
Its slate of candidates For the nomination The day after tomorrow.
That means we'll need Your contribution Tomorrow morning.
You do have it, don't you ? Ah, yeah. Yeah, i got it.
Very good. I'll send mr. Tucker To pick it up in the morning.
Hey, hey, hey ! Good to have you aboard.
Great. Put it out ! Put it out !
Here's the script, boss.
You're sure this is the one They're filming now ? I swiped it right off the truck.
This stinks. [ laughs ]
I wouldn't buy a car From anybody who'd put This kind of shit on tv.
Would you buy a car From anybody who'd put This kind of shit on tv ?
I wouldn't. That's what i keep telling you. She don't know what she's doing.
She ain't sold a single car In four days.
At this rate, She'll be bankrupt In three weeks.
Yeah.
[ ringing ] Yeah ?
Roy ? Sam. Any progress With your niece ?
Ah, no. She's as stubborn As her old man. She won't sell dick.
But i'll just bide my time. She'll be bankrupt In two weeks.
Roy, you haven't Any time to bide. The mayor's running scared.
He's gonna announce The new freeway The day after tomorrow.
You better forget about buying Your niece's lot and find Some sucker to buy yours.
Roy ? Roy ?
Asshole mayor !
We know anybody Over at channel seven ?
Now watch this.
See the, uh, style of cars We have to choose from. We have--
See where she said "style" ?
See the, uh,
Style of cars We have to choose from--
Now further on down She says this.
3217 valley road,
Just one, uh, Mile west of route--
A mile. I took the word mile And i put it over style.
Now watch this.
Come on down and see The, uh, mile of cars...
We have to choose from.
Son of a bitch !
[ laughing ] Let me see that again.
See the,
Uh, mile of cars We have to choose from.
We have-- Goddamn, That's terrific !
What do you think, sam ? Most blatant case of false Advertising i've ever seen.
I could have her convicted 24 hours after it's aired.
When are they Gonna show that ? During tonight's game.
Why don't you Come on down and...
See the, uh, mile of cars We have to choose from ?
What did she say ? She said she had a mile of cars.
[ rudy ] Can you believe that ?
The most blatant claim of False advertising i ever heard. She doesn't even know.
[ rudy ] jesus. Most of them need, uh, A paint job or bodywork.
She sure looks good, though, Doesn't she ?
[ barbara ] But all of them have been Safety checked.
Russo. Uh, yeah, yeah.
Russo, i've been looking All over for you.
You son of a bee ! I'm about to lose my job Because of you.
I've got more than 250 sophomores...
Who aren't going to pass Driver education...
Because your friggin' cars Won't run !
You guys got an auto shop class. Enroll your 250 sophomores in it And teach 'em something.
I'll teach you something.
[ man on tv ] Okay, we're back.
I'm gonna take your-- Ohh !
[ man on tv ] He's looking.
Off to his left to find him. He's sacked !
It's that arnold debiers. He's done it all day.
And that's the fifth sack Of kusamano this afternoon.
What did i tell ya, rudy ? Denver.
Hey, look, When i get a feeling, I get a feeling, huh ?
Helluva game. Should have put Some money on it.
I did. You did ? Great.
Kansas city.
Kansas city ? Well, how much Did you put down ?
All of it. All of it.
[ laughing ] Everything i own.
Forty g's ?
You dope ! You just threw it away.
You just threw it Right down the tubes.
Don't you get it ? The only way you can win Is if, uh,
Uh, if i lose.
Start that clock once again. We have a minute And 28 seconds.
Yeah, well, i wouldn't worry About it, jeff. I think Your money's in the bag.
A minute to go. Denver would Have to run into some pretty Bad luck, don't you think ?
[ man on tv ] denver would Have to run into some pretty Bad luck, don't you think ?
Pete green, of course, One of the finer punters...
In professional football today.
Okay, here's denver with Ten men up there on the line.
Here's the kick.
Signals for a fair catch, And he fumbles the ball.
He fumbles the ball, And it's recovered by--
I got the ball. I got the ball. I got it.
Hold this stuff. Gotta turn this contest around. I got a chance.
I got the ball, jim. I got a chance.
More salt, more salt.
Talk about your bad-luck days. He seemed to have it In his grasp.
No one seemed to hit him, And yet the ball squirted loose.
Just like magic, It flew out of his hands.
Excuse me. Let me have that salt.
Give me-- [ grunts ]
Pass the ball.
[ man on tv ] Regardless of what brings The change of luck around--
Is there a black cat In the house ? How about a ladder ?
[ man on tv ] He's got webster Split wide to the right.
Ladder ! [ grunts ]
Hey ! What the hell Are you trying to do ?
[ man on tv ] Here's the snap.
Kusamano drops back. He's got webster streaking.
[ man on tv ] He throws to the end zone !
And it's-- oooh ! Out of bounds.
Okay, kusamano back To the drawing board.
Gotta be a pass play now.
[ man on tv ] Wait, here's a pitch to smith.
Wait a minute, smith Flips it back to kusamano On the old flea-flicker.
- he's got some blocks In front of him. - duck !
[ shouting ]
He could go all the way !
Touchdown ! I don't believe it !
[ man on tv ] I don't believe it.
I won.
He made it ! Touchdown !
I made it ! I made it !
[ horn honking ]
You got the money, russo ? Or should i say, senator russo ?
Now, mr. Tucker, i gotta Tell you, i'm a little bit Nervous about, uh,
Well, about what I'm supposed to do.
Like what sort of policy Are you guys Trying to push ?
The party shares the concerns Of the middle american taxpayer, The workingman.
And we're also in favor Of civic improvements.
Here's the new freeway We're announcing tomorrow. My son-in-law got that contract.
Lester beaumont. Beaumont cement corporation. Fine boy. Yessir.
We also are in favor Of public facilities. Take a look at this here.
We gonna tear down that Dilapidated hospital on the east Side and put in a golf course.
Chairman caldwell Really likes to play golf.
He's a fine golfer. Practically wins Every tournament he plays in.
Plays to a 48 handicap. A really fine golfer.
And we're in favor Of lowering taxes.
Didn't you used to work there ?
[ rudy ] closed ? [ tucker ] Closed by court order.
Another way the party's Looking out for the consumer.
You know, last night, The proprietor Of that car lot...
Made a false And misleading claim On a television commercial.
One of our constituents Brought it to our attention.
And the case goes before a judge In about five minutes.
And you know justice Can be swift when it has to.
Goddamn, sam, what the hell Do you mean you got Hanging judge harrison ?
He's not on the take ! He's legit !
Roy, remember That colored kid found guilty For stealing a case of beer ?
Billy joe ? Billy joe washington ? Yeah.
Well, hanging judge harrison Gave him 35 years hard labor.
Look, you need someone Who's gonna throw the book At this broad.
I paid off all the witnesses, All the experts.
I even have her attorney On my payroll.
[ snoring ]
I can win this case, roy. Trust me.
Yeah, but she's A first offender.
That's a $500 fine Even if they do convict her.
There's no way about it, She's gonna be convicted.
I'm afraid the fine's Gonna be real severe.
Jesus.
There's only one thing She can do, is sell that lot.
Jesus christ.
Wait a minute, russo !
Hey, hold it, hold it ! Wait a minute ! Wait a minute !
[ shouting ]
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. The honorable h.h. Harrison Presiding.
All rise.
This court...
Is now in session.
Do you solemnly swear to tell The truth, the whole truth And nothing but the truth...
So help you god ? [ door closes ]
I do.
Excuse me, can i-- Excuse me, pardon me.
Mr. Slaton,
Will you commence The questioning ?
Please state your name And occupation.
Ah, barbara jane fuchs.
And i'm the owner Of the new deal car lot.
Miss fuchs, We have heard testimony...
From four qualified experts Right here in this courtroom...
-to the fact that the videotape Commercial in question... - [ whispering ] lie.
Was authorized by you...
And was not tampered with In any way.
Now, i put it to you, Miss fuchs.
Do you or do you not Have a mile of cars to sell On your lot ?
[ whispering ] Yes. Lie.
Ah, could you repeat The question, please ?
Do you have a mile of cars For sale on your lot ?
- when placed end to end, would All the cars total one mile ? - [ whispering ] yes.
And may i remind you, You are under oath.
[ whispering ] I don't know. Speak up, miss fuchs.
- [ whispering ] yes. - [ mouthing words ] yes ?
- yes. - [ gallery murmuring ]
[ judge harrison ] Order ! Order !
Order ! Order.
Order ! Order !
[ judge harrison ] Miss fuchs ? Huh ?
Are you absolutely certain That you understood...
The gentleman's... Question ?
Do you realize, miss fuchs,
That one mile of cars Is over 250 cars ?
Are you aware that You've opened yourself up To a charge of perjury ?
Well-- what ?
Your honor, If it please the court,
I can produce a number Of witnesses who will Testify that she is lying !
That she has, in fact, Only 25 cars on her lot At this time.
-why don't you see For yourself, judge ? -[ gallery murmuring agreement ]
Order ! Order !
-[ gavel banging ] - i have no objection To that, your honor.
Neither do i.
Miss fuchs, I'm gonna release you On your own recognizance.
Court will reconvene At 2:45 p.m....
At the new deal used car lot...
Where i am gonna settle This matter once and for all.
250 keys, 250 titles, 250 cars.
But, rudy, you've brought No transport trucks.
How are you Gonna get them home ? I have 250 drivers.
[ chattering ]
What have i done To deserve this ?
Jeff !
Rudy, you want the one With the water-based paint too ?
All of them, manuel. Everything you've got.
Rudy, how about Some marijuana ? Rifles ? Later.
Pass these out. Anything That doesn't start, we'll tow. Take him up on the reefers.
[ murmurs ] Oh, my god !
Russo, this better work. That's all i can say.
You told me the students Needed some road experience To pass driver's ed, right ?
Yes. They're gonna get A crash course. Come on.
Hey, you, amigo ! [ laughing ]
You ! How about some rifles For your students ?
Chino, bring some rifles.
How about some rifles ? Take your hands off me, sir. I don't believe in violence.
Forget about the rifles. [ speaking spanish ]
You know what i think ? I think she skipped town.
Good. I'll win The damn thing on default.
Calls for a toast. To the man who in Approximately two hours...
Will be The biggest car dealer In the southwest.
Me, roy l. Fuchs.
Straighten that up.
Drivers, To your cars.
[ shouting ]
Jeff, do you read me ? [ jeff, indistinct ]
I just finished measuring these, And if we throw in 26 cars we Got on the lot and this truck,
That gives us 18 feet safety margin, That's one car.
One mile and one car. That's playing it Pretty close.
Are we gonna make it In two hours ? We have to.
You girls are ready for Some heavy duty driving.
Let's see. Left hand at 10:00, And right hand at 2:00.
Jeff, do you read ?
Yeah, rudy. You got your backdoor man Here at company clean.
I'll be bringing up Your rear. Over.
Would you watch where The hell you're standing !
This is my car. Youse gotta go find yourself Another car, nigger.
This is the only cadillac, And i don't drive nothin' But a cadillac.
Move over, buddy. Ride bitch.
We're towing a car ! Oh, no !
Have you ever towed A car before ? Oh, great ! No.
Drivers, Start your engines.
Oh, my god.
I'm going to have to take One hand off the wheel To start the car.
You're not gonna flunk me For that, are you ? Just start--
Are you, mr. Ghertner ? Nona, just start the car.
[ chuckling ]
You ready ?
Let's go.
Let's move 'em out ! [ whistles ] [ horns honking ]
[ shouting ]
[ cheering ]
Come on, baby. Let's go !
Rudy, how fast Are we going ? Fifty-five.
Oh, at this rate, I think we're gonna be About a half an hour late.
I know it. All right, Everybody listen up.
We're gonna have a lesson In driving history.
This is how we used to drive On the highways... At 75 miles an hour.
Everybody, 75 miles an hour.
- seventy-five ? - whoo !
Damn !
Put that pedal On the floor !
I've got this motherfucker Wide open. We're goin' now !
This dude ain't No driving teacher. He's some kind of con man.
He's gonna kill Our black ass. Sure is.
That's 20 miles Over the speed limit !
And at $10 a mile, That's a $200 fine !
They can't fine us. We don't have Our license yet.
[ siren wailing ] It's the police ! Stop !
Oh, shit ! Wait a minute. Wait a minute !
"at the scene of an accident, Always wait for the police To arrive."
- this is 11-44. - they're here.
[ tires screeching ] [ police ] You ain't gonna believe it.
Rudy, we just lost Our one car safety margin, pal.
Jeff, you better take the point And scout ahead for more cops. We can't take any more chances.
Okay, ten-four.
[ fuchs ] How much you owe me now, Carmine ?
Twenty-seven. [ laughing ]
Look at that !
Boss ? Boss, I just heard some crazy shit On my police scanner.
There's a shitload of used cars Headed this way. You care ? Shit !
Shit.
Ah, rudy, i hope you Read me, man,
'Cause we got A real big problem here.
What is it ? [ jeff ] A police roadblock.
[ rudy ] Jeff, you better Go on ahead.
Yeah, but what the hell Are you gonna do ? We're gonna take a shortcut.
You asshole, what are you-- Oh, hi, roy.
Asshole, my dick ! Did you see about 250 cars Go by here ?
No. We heard they're coming. We haven't seen them yet. Where the hell are they ?
Who cares ? If they haven't gotten here By now, they'll never make it.
Nothin' to worry about. Yeah, i think he's right, boss.
The only way they can get here On time is to drive As the crow flies.
I wouldn't worry about it. What did you say ?
The only way they can get here-- Never mind. Back up and take a left.
Shit !
Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! What the hell Is wrong with you ?
[ shouting ]
Oh !
You pea-brained ignoramus !
Ohhh, what a beautiful day.
2:30. Whose idea was it Going out to this used car lot ?
Shh. I could have been Out playing golf.
[ fuchs ] There they are.
All right, Head for the lead truck.
Hey, rudy, Looks like we got company.
Fuchs ! What the hell is this ?
Get out and Get in the back. What ?
Get in the damn back ! Come on ! You're crazy.
Don't give me No goddamn lip ! Get in the goddamn back !
What the hell's he doing ? I don't know.
Hey, rudy ! You want me to ram The son of a bitch ?
No ! Keep going. Don't stop for anything. We're running out of time.
All right, pull over closer now. Now pull in behind them.
You're supposed to pull in Behind them !
Keep it going, jim. Don't stop for anything. Don't stop !
All right, stop, stop. Rudy !
- he's got a gun ! - now shoot the son of a bitch.
You motherfucker you !
Hey, pull over ! Pull it over ! Get off of there !
- [ shouting ] - you motherfucker !
[ laughing ]
[ shouting ] You son of a bitch ! [ laughing ]
Keep goin' !
Damn ! Stop it !
Ow ! God !
Slow down. I want you bad, you fat-ass !
I want you, man ! I gotta have you, man ! I'm gonna get you ! Hi-ya !
Stop it !
- [ laughing ] - whoa ! Heavy duty, brother !
Pull up next to that car !
Whoo ! Hey, thanks For droppin' in !
Oh, my god !
Get away from me ! Stop this truck !
Stop that truck or-- [ screaming ]
Mr. Ghertner, What am i supposed to do...
When someone is standing On the hood of my car ?
Close in, faster !
Move it up closer !
Let go of him !
[ laughing ]
You all right ?
Billingham, Let's move this chariot.
I still may be able To get in eight holes.
What the hell is this now ? A mirror truck ?
I hope none of them's cracked.
[ screaming ]
[ rudy ] Okay, bring 'em in ! Let's go ! That's it !
Over to the left. Move it. That's good.
All right, come on.
All right, We're gonna fill this lot.
That's it ! That's it !
Get them in there. Nice job !
Whoo ! We did some Pretty heavy drivin', Huh, girl ?
But we missed page 35 ! We're here, aren't we ?
This motherfucker's all right.
This motherfucking car is bad ! I tell you, man !
Mr. Ghertner, did i pass ? Did i, mr. Ghertner ? Did i pass the test ?
Yes, yes, my dear. As long as you promise to get Your license in another state.
What time is it ? We got plenty of time. Look who's coming.
We've done it ! We've done it !
Mr. Slaton, I know you're seeing The same thing...
With those itty-bitty Beady eyes of yours That i'm looking at.
I tell you, That sure looks like A mile of cars to me.
Let's just, uh, make sure, Your honor.
Measure 'em. Every one of 'em. Measure 'em !
Oh, no, sir. That's it. No, no, no.
I mean, that's a red car. No, i'm sorry. I tried, that's all.
That's a red car. Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, No, no, no.
It's a red car.
The way i figured, If jeff don't get here, We're gonna be 18 feet short.
Give me the walkie-talkie.
Jeff, come in. Jeff, are you there ?
[ rudy over walkie-talkie ] Jeff ? Jeff ? Are you there ?
Come in. Are you there ?
Jeff !
Jeff, come in. Are you there ?
Jeff !
Sixteen nine.
Jeff, come in, Please ! Where is he ?
Ah, yeah, yeah, rudy, I'm here.
Where is here ?
I'm parked near the Railroad crossing on valley road Somewhere near highway 9.
What do you mean, parked ? Get over here !
Without your car, We're 18 feet short.
Can't they measure them Any faster ?
What do you expect me To do, mr. Slaton ? Put Roller skates on them boys ?
And, and, uh, uh, The paint washed off, rudy. There's red paint underneath.
[ jeff ] Which means it's a red car.
I can't drive it. It's a red car.
Jeff, you've been driving it All day.
It's all in your mind, babe. You can do it. Come on--
[ train whistle blowing ]
Jeff, which side Of the tracks are you on ?
[ whistle blowing ] Uh, uh, east, east side.
He's on the wrong side. 2:45's comin' through. It's a long freight.
Come on, jeff. You've gotta do it, babe.
- i can't do it. - red cars don't mean shit !
I'm sorry, jeff. Jeff, jeff, Listen to me now.
There's primer underneath That red paint, gray primer.
Now, you're really Driving a gray car.
Please, jeff, this is all I'm gonna say to you.
If you don't get here, We lose the lot.
Fourteen seven.
Seventeen feet, Nine inches.
[ toby whimpers ]
What do you think, Toby ? [ barks ]
[ whistle blowing ]
Shit. Wouldn't you know it.
For once the train's on time.
Seventeen six.
Eighteen feet, Four inches.
[ man ] Seventeen--
[ whistle blowing ]
Seventeen feet, nine inches.
Fourteen four.
[ whistle blowing ] [ crossing bell ringing ]
[ engine sputters ]
[ engine revs, Tires screech ]
[ whistle blowing ] [ bell ringing ]
Come on ! Come on !
- can't make it ! - [ whistle blowing ]
Eighteen feet, Four inches. Is that the last car ?
Yes, sir, We've measured them all. What's the final total ?
[ bell ringing ] One of these--
[ bell ringing ]
Well, it better be A gray car !
[ whimpers ]
[ jeff screaming ]
[ nervous laugh ]
You cheated ! You cheated ! You cheated, you bastards ! You cheated !
Easy, roy, they're on The last car, and they're short.
Oh. [ laughs ]
5,262...
And 18 Will make it a mile.
Here it is right there, 18. You're 18 feet short.
[ tires screeching ]
[ mutters ]
Take it from the bumper.
[ chattering ]
Ah, you're Two inches short.
[ laughing ]
5,280 feet.
A mile of cars ! Case dismissed ! [ cheering ]
Wait a minute. Did somebody pay you off ?
A license plate don't count. Measure that again.
Come on, come on, buddy. Come on, buddy. Come on. We won.
[ laughing ]
Don't give me that shit ! For uttering those contemptuous Remarks in my presence,
I'm gonna put your balls In a sling.
Deputies, let's haul ass. His ! The car--
Ahh, ahh, ahh.
Come on, buddy, come on.
Well, partner.
Rudy, barbara, That was terrific, What you did here today.
Just terrific. You know, when they put That new freeway ramp in,
You're gonna have the best Freeway access in the state.
That means you can have The biggest dealership In the southwest.
Now, i know we've had Our differences in the past,
But i want you to know that If you ever need a friend, You've got one downtown.
Thanks, sam. Thanks a million.
Well, partners ! Don't partner me.
You knew about that Freeway exit the whole time, Didn't you ?
I didn't know anything About any freeway ramp.
This is the first I've heard of it. Rudy, are you sure ?
Trust me.
Excuse me. Oh, excuse me, miss.
Ma'am ? What's that yellow paint Doing on that car ?
Did it used to be A taxi ? Ah, that car there ?
Yeah, that car there.
No, ma'am, That's yellow primer. Yellow primer ?
Ah, yes, ma'am. It's being used on a lot Of cars these days.
It's a rust preventative. It adds life to the body. Oh.
You know--
[ man ] ## it's all a big shuffle Cut and deal ##
## all the smart players Got a way to steal ##
## if you're a believer You'll find out fast ##
## like life and your pickup Nothing's made to last ##
## used car Everybody's got one to trade ##
## used car Everybody's got one to sell ##
## used car buyer, take care Buyer, beware ##
Oh, yeah.
## you gotta spit on it To make it shine ##
## you gotta hard sell it Move it down the line ##
## like an old lover It's slowing down ##
## you wanna change partners You gotta shop around ##
## used car Everybody's got one to trade ##
## used car Everybody's got one to sell ##
## used car buyer, take care Buyer, beware ##
## are you a spring dreamer Ripe for love ##
## spot a great body You've been dreamin' of ##
## so you go for it She's a heavy ten ##
## paint peels off You've been ripped off again ##
## used car Everybody's got one to trade ##
## used car Everybody's got one to sell ##
## used car buyer, take care Buyer, go to hell ##
## used car Everybody's got one to trade ##
## used car Everybody's got one to sell ##
## used car buyer, take care Buyer, go to hell ##
Yeah, right.
## used car Everybody's got one to trade ##
## used car Everybody's got one to sell ##
## used car buyer, take care Buyer, go to hell ##
[ chorus ] ## used car ## ## trust me ##
[ chorus ] ## used car ## ## would i lie to you ##
## used car buyer, take care ####